So I’ve sort of been documenting my “emotional journey to england” (for lack of a better name). The past two-ish months have been full on Anne of Green Gables. I went from the depths of despair to being as happy as a queen sailing on the lake of shining waters. It was all very romantic and tragic and now that I’m reaching the final count down and have an almost full bank account, I thought I’d share where my heart has been. There are sure to be a few more rainy days before I leave, but it’s looking like it’s going to be mostly sunny with a high of 75 :)
January 6, 2011
I’m so empty. I pour out everything and its not replaced. My passion, my drive from life is gone. I don’t know how to get it back. I don’t know how to be with people and I don’t know how to be with myself. I used to be so good at being alone. I guess that could only last so long. It would be so easy for me to settle for the first thing that comes my way. It’s tempting, but something keeps holding me back from giving up completely. There is a glimmer of hope somewhere deep within me that I wont let go of. I wish I could. I wish I could just squash it out and stop feeling altogether, but even though nearly all of my time is spent in misery, self-loathing, and loneliness, the tiniest part of me knows that I go through the lowest and darkest valleys in order to reach the most glorious mountain tops. So as much as I want to, I do not give up. I take my life minute by minute, shaky breath by shaky breath. And I don’t let go of the hope that one day, this will all make sense.
January 13, 2011
Lately I’ve been wishing for an occasion to wear a pretty dress to, like a dance or a date or something. I would buy something Jane Austen-y, with lace or flowers… or both. I sure do wish I’d had better taste in high school, and then I’d have things that I still wear now. Online window-shopping is a very dangerous thing. Especially when you are saving up for an alleged trip to England. Sometimes I think I should forget the whole thing and just buy myself a pretty dress and sit in some fancy restaurant, alone, reading a book (most likely something classic that I only pretend to understand.) That sounds much less risky than the current plan. I’ve been having some bad moments lately. Moments where Bible School in England feels like a foolish pipe dream and an opportunity for disappointment. God knows I don’t have the energy for disappointment. I just want my heart to be free. Give me wings, Jesus. Here I am, pretty white dress, long brown hair, on the edge of the world… jumping. There is no one there at all, but you, to catch me. I stepped off the edge and now here I am, mid-air, waiting for something to happen. I hope to God that I don’t crash to the ground.
February 25 (that would be today)
I almost pulled my suitcase down from the attic today. Forty-seven days till England, but I’m ready to leave right now. Every night this week I fell asleep thinking about my little European adventure. I’ve even planned out my Elizabeth Bennett-esque outfits that I will wear while frolicking through the English countryside. Life has been very kind to me so far this year. I think Jesus has been smiling and laughing at me as I twirl around my room in my flowery thrift store dress while the 70 degree winds blow through my window and Pride and Prejudice music plays from my mac. That sentence was a very long, but accurate description of my life right now: innocent, hopeful, happy, and most of all- free. My spirit senses the adventure waiting for me and damns the day that it ends and I have to come back home… but then again who says I have to.