So I started applying to graduate schools… It’s like way early, I realize, but I needed something to help me procrastinate. I have an 11 page short story due on Tuesday and my lack of inspiration is terrifying. I need to travel again so that I can have something new to write about. I mean that’s the life plan anyways. Travel the world (for free) and write about people I meet and things that happen to me (and get paid thousands of dollars to do it… and win some prizes and stuff). That’s the dream.
I feel like before I continue I should let you know that I’m drinking grapefruit juice out of a wine glass (a wine glass that has my name on it). Glad I got that out of the way.
I keep listening to Burberry Acoustic. It recaptures feelings. Feelings about travel and freedom and the like. Today, I thought a lot about being in America for another year, and it felt like I was holding my breath. I think that’s how I feel a lot of the time. Like when I’m in school and I’m having one of those days where I’m too shy to speak to anyone. It feels like I’m holding my breath the entire day and then when I finally talk to someone I get to exhale. America feels claustrophobic and the air here seems to be thinning. Sometimes I feel bad for wanting to travel. I worry that I’m hurting the feelings of my friends and family. I don’t want them to think that I don’t love every minute I spend with them, because I really do. I wish I could take all the people I love and put them in my pocket and whisk them away with me. If it wasn’t for these beloved people I would probably be homeless and friendless and sad in Lisbon or somewhere. People make being here not only bearable but also wonderful. And they make leaving and then coming back wonderful and cathartic. I think that’s the point I’m coming to in this blog post. I’ve realized lately how desperately I need people. As I’ve been looking at graduate schools in far away places, the most terrifying thing is the idea of making new friends. Because what if I don’t? What if spend all my time sitting by the window of my run down flat writing papers and having no one to talk to? What if I start getting cats? What if I don’t find a church I like? Or the big one: what if I totally fail at all of it? And then on top of that all I have are cats and they would sit and stare at me and rejoice in my total failure. These are the feelings I have as I turn in stories to class. Or when I start to make a new friend. Or when I’m in my yoga class. Or when I go on dates (haha). Or when I lie in bed not being able to sleep for 2 hours. Or when I register for a GRE practice test. Yikes. I’m neurotic.
So that’s what my week has been like and probably what these next months of graduate school decision making will be like. I’m pretty much terrified, but it’s kind of cool. This is the first time where I feel like there is no safety net or plan B or anything that makes me feel remotely comfortable. If you’re still reading at this point, I love you and let’s be best friends. Also can I interest you in reading and critiquing my short stories for my senior portfolio? No? Ok. That’s cool.