I can’t remember what words I’m supposed to use to talk about the past. I can’t remember words about my heart. I can’t remember words about how I feel when I go somewhere new. But let’s try for a moment to remember. This year was more than I ever thought a year could be. I didn’t know I could fit so many different moments inside my body. I live in New York now, but really I could be anywhere. I feel like I am everywhere. Because this year I went everywhere, always always always waiting to come home, and that’s when I found home in my own skin.
The first day of the year started in London with old magic that was wearing out, but the second day I went to Paris for the first time where I found new magic and I moved forward. For real this time. And the year went on like that tired and awake and always moving forward.
I turned 25 and my 25th country was a mountain
I wrote and I wrote and I wrote and I told no one
I got angry in the most righteous way
I burned bridges in the way I do, smiling and praying and filled with peace
I ended a whole life, an entire version of myself ceased to exist
I was brave in the exact way I wanted to be and it broke my heart
I fell in love with the sweetest regret
I didn’t regret it, not a single thing
I moved so many times, carrying everything on my back
I ended up in a city I never wanted to be in but it is exactly where I want to be
I lost people to the wind and I breathe them in every second of every day
I fell to pieces on the bathroom floor on Monday and picked myself up again on Tuesday
I carried on that way for several weeks
I blew over the last cardboard walls of false belief
I turned into love, more and more I turned into love
I held more secrets than usual
I opened my heart more than usual
I was brave and broken and brave again
I am in awe of my heart. How much it let in. How much it let go. How much it changed. This year was hard, ok? And next year will be hard. But it will also be good.
Photos by my magic friend, Crystal Anne