My sister wrote this poem and sent it to me the other day, and it was so exactly right, so exactly how I am feeling. I haven’t had the will or the strength to come up with my own words lately, but hers have filled my heart and spoken for me. I am learning how to hold the good and the bad, the light and the dark, because as long as we are in this world we will have both. We will live through both. Life is learning how to live in the tension. Learning how to choose good, to choose the light, and learning to forgive ourselves when we don’t. Learning to forgive the people we love when they don’t. And learning through all of it to remain rooted and grounded in love.
I promise to go away
I promise we will travel and see all the places we said we would
And we won’t wait, we’ll do it now.
I’m sorry we failed, I’m sorry we feel
Like it is not enough
To just lie on the couch and think about life
Because life doesn’t look like something we planned on
We will drink more cups of tea and less alcohol
We will hug more friends
And less boys who say they like to be with us
I like to be with us
I like to be at home
Because I never feel lonely when I am at peace with what I choose to be.
I am sorry to my stomach for treating it like steel and
Sorry to my heart for pretending it was immune from feeling
And I’m sorry to my friends for the lies I’ve told them about where I’ve been
It is so isolating to hurt on the inside
Without being able to get the true words out from inside my mouth.
In my head I am trapped
But it will not be forever
I believe there is forgiveness and a bridge to walk over
To a field where there is peace
And freedom for the past
I have a friend there
He doesn’t need me to speak
And he felt the ache in my stomach
And the cold bathroom floor
I can feel he is with me
And I will meet him there